When We Look Back
by NoSleepInHeaven
Summary: Hanschen and Ernst's relationship as adolescents is alternated with the story of their relationship as adults.   from the year of 1891 to the rise of Nazi Germany. can they're love survive agianst hate, corruption, and prosecution?
1. The Beginning: Ernst

**I don't own Spring Awakening.**

**Please enjoy :]**

Ernst Robel's thoughts raced: the _vineyard, the sunset, the bells, and that kiss! _He hadn't stopped thinking about it, and here he was, five day later, standing at Hanschen Rilow's door, after being invited to stay the weekend while his parents were away on business. He stared up at the enormous house with his big brown eyes. He examined the garden and the flowers in bloom. His heart beat a bit too fast as he knocked on the door.

"Herr Robel! Please, come in. How have you been doing?" a middle-aged woman with a kind face opened the door accompanied by her son, a boy of fifteen with blonde hair, gray-blue eyes, and soft features. _Hanschen._ He was casually leaning against the doorway, _smirking_—something that made Ernst feel both self-conscience, and amorous.

The boy seemed shy as he answered. "Just fine thank you, Frau Rilow."

Hanschen's mother nodded at the boys' response and went off to continue packing. Ernst had never been inside a house so big and he looked around at the high ceilings, and the parting staircase leading to the top balcony. _So beautiful_… he thought.

"Ernst, let me take your coat." Hanschen smirked again.

"Oh…! Yes, th-thank you Hanschen" Ernst was just now beginning to fathom what a weekend alone with Hanschen would really be like… especially after that perfect night in the vineyard…Ernst could still feel Hanschen's lips on his, and he gave an involuntary shiver.

"Come, Ernst, Natalia is fixing supper." Hanschen placed his hand on Ernst's shoulder and led him to the kitchen after casually running his fingers across the boys' neck making him flinch. A young cook had set the table for two. "Thank you Natalia that will be all," Said Hanschen. The young girl who appeared to be foreign nodded, awkwardly curtsied and left after giving a gesture to the Rilows as so they knew she was leaving for the weekend. Soon afterwards, Herr and Frau Rilow left as well and thanked Ernst for staying with their son, while they were away.

"We would hate to leave Hansy without any company; he would get terribly lonely…"

"Oh, yes, I would be…terribly lonesome indeed…" Hanschen gave a wink and smirked as Ernst's body went a bit rigid.

"Well, we had best be going, thank you again Ernst. Natalia is only blocks away if you need anything…Son, I expect you to be a proper host."

"Yes father." Hanschen kissed his mother, nodded to his father and promptly slammed the door behind them.

"I thought they would never leave… ah, well…alone at last…" he sauntered to where Ernst stood, and pressed his body to his. Slowly, Hanschen took Ernst's chin in his hand and brushed his lips against Ernst's, who let out a sound like a whimper and then, pulled Hanschen to him into a real kiss_. Was he always such a tease?_ Hanschen was both pleased and surprised by this and "accidentally" fell onto the couch pinning Ernst beneath him. Ernst looked up at the handsome face, blonde hair, dark, blue eyes… _he really did love Hanschen_.

Hanschen smiled and kissed him again. Ernst was giddy; he smiled too and kissed back. Hanschen's fingers unbuttoned the top of Ernst's shirt, and he kissed the boys' neck. Ernst couldn't help it. He let out a sigh of lust. Hanschen paused and giggled.

"Hanschen?—oh… you're laughing! It's just I'm not use to—" _I just sighed. _he thought. _Was I breathing hard? Why does he always laugh! Don't understand…_

"Relax, Ernst… I find your lustful sighs rather…_flattering_ and _engaging_." Hanschen smiled and kissed the nervous boy softly. "Come," he said when they had pulled apart. "Supper is probably getting cold." Hanschen got up and walked to the kitchen, but Ernst paused for a moment and pressed his finger tips to his lips…he thought of Hanschen's voice in the vineyard explaining to him how to skim off the cream (something he still didn't quite understand…) and the feel of his lips that had taken him by surprise.

"_Why not?"_ Hanschen had said. _And, yes why not?_ Thought Ernst. He had years to become a pastor, years to earn his degrees, and years to possibly find his red cheeked wife. But right now, at this moment, Ernst only cared about Hanschen; about holding him and kissing him, talking to him, and maybe even holding his hand. Ernst thoughts of love and lust masked a twinge in the back of his mind: guilt. But Ernst couldn't feel that twinge, only the fast beating of his heart.

The doe-eyed boy with brown hair, and an angelic face smiled. He got up and found his way to the dining room.


	2. Red, White and Black: Ernst

**I don't own Spring Awakening. **

***This chapter takes place in 1933.**

Ernst Robel awoke at nine to find himself still in his study. He must have fallen asleep while reading…he had been dreaming, or rather remembering of an event from boyhood. Lust, and innocence, and Hanschen Rilow. He hadn't seen him in two years now; when their long love affair had perished …Ernst smiled sadly to himself and went to the kitchen to make himself breakfast and coffee. He lived alone and never married his red cheeked wife he had dreamed of so vividly. He had never become a pastor either. Times had certainly changed since he and a blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy had spent a weekend in that beautiful house.

Ernst went about his day, reading and working. He was interrupted around two o'clock by a knock at the door. He went to open it and came to quite a shock. There, stood the man he had never expected to see again.

"Hanschen…" he was still handsome, but something was gone. A spark had gone out since the last time they had met. He was, as Ernst would have expected to see him, in a sharp suit with an armband at the left sleeve. The red, black and white swastika pierced Ernst more deeply than he had anticipated.

"Herr Robel, a word if you please."

"Yes please, come in, can I t-take your coat?"

"Thank you. You are alone?" Ernst took his pea coat and hung it on the stand by the dorr.

"Yes… Hansch-" Ernst was cut off.

"Where is the safest place to…talk?" his tone was brisk, and cold.

"The study, I expect….is something the matter?"

"Not at the moment…"

"Can I get you coffee?"

"Thank you, but no." Hanschen led the way to the study he had been so many times, and Ernst followed. Ernst watched as he paced from the chair to the bookshelf, he finally leaned himself against the desk. "Herr Rob—Ernst…" his heart melted a little at the sound of his name. "I am here on my own account. Please do not think otherwise…I am here to inform, rather warn you that you are under high suspicion of the Nazi party for taking part in organizations wishing to grant rights for homosexuals." Silence echoed in the tiny room far too long before Ernst spoke.

"Oh…yes, thank you Hanschen. For telling me, that is…It was bound to happen…"

"You are unaware of the seriousness of the situation. I believe I am right in saying that you play a large and leading part in these organizations?"

"Yes," Ernst smiled.

"The Weimar Republic will soon be rubble. These liberal minded times are dying—the party is seeing to that. Surely you knew you would be found out…it is suicide and masochism to pursue such beliefs today!

"But don't you see Hanschen? Now it is more important than ever to pursue them. The only way to kill hate is with goodness, and love. I am well aware of the danger, as are the others, but I will not abandon my beliefs, I will not become a coward. It is important to stay with what is right."

"And you will take that above survival? _Please_. You are being foolish. You are surrounded by hate like the Jews and the communists! Ernst, wake up! The party will only get stronger. Nothing can be gained now. Not in this age. You must flee while you still can." Ernst was surprised by the excitement in his voice; he didn't know how to respond.

"I could never manipulate the system like you. I am surprised you came though, all the same.

"Of course I did."

Ernst studied Hanschen who was now standing very close. "Thank you, Hanschen for your concern. It is good to see you, I am glad to see that you are not in danger." And he was, because he still loved the boy with blonde hair, and blue eyes, who had once, not so long ago, taken him by surprise and kissed him in a vineyard at sunset

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	3. Jitters: Hanschen

**Hey there! Let's focus in on Hanschen shall we? **

Hanschen climbed the tree and crawled through Ernst's window. He knew the door was unlocked, but he liked a dramatic entrance. Ernst looked up from his book.

"Hanschen! Oh… umm Thea is in the yard."

"Not anymore. She told me to inform you the she was going to Wendla's. Strange…she doesn't seem to care for me…"

"Well, she doesn't like that you've been taking up so much of my time…but I'm sure likes you just fine…"

"Oh… Well my presence can be rather time consuming." Hanschen smirked and walked over to the bed where Ernst was conveniently sitting. He pounced.

"W-wait, Hanschen?"

"Is something the matter?"

"No…never mind…"

"Come Ernst, what's the problem? Perhaps I can _help_…"

"Well, I had a dream…I very shameful dream." Hanschen watched as Ernst's cheeks blushed and his eyes became moist…_surely he wasn't upset over something so simple?_ "I went to church this morning, but I still feel jittery…and maybe we better not kiss today…my dream holds enough guilt on its own…" Hanschen tried not to smile.

"Oh Ernst! Everyone gets _those_ dreams…even Father Kalbauch has had them, I'm sure…"

"Hanschen! You mustn't say such things!"

"Oh but its true… here… you must relax. You ought not to be ashamed over something so simple. Perhaps I can help with your "jitters," lie back." Hanschen smiled; feeling giddy at the chance to seduce and a bit sentimental for the boy lying stiff as a board on the bed. Hanschen straddled the boys' waist kissing him softly and running his fingers through the dark hair. He moved down to his neck and felt the boy relax a bit. Hanschen reached for the boys' shirt and was pleased when he was not stopped after the third button. Once his shirt was open, Ernst became self conscious and blushed. Hanschan didn't know why; he had a lovely collar bone and a nice thin frame to his figure. His body was perfect…ly acceptable. _Get a grip_ he told himself and he attempted to focus on the success of his seduction. He kissed him everywhere and ran his fingers along his chest. Hanschen was enjoying … Ernst let out a sigh. Hanschen began to feel something, his heart was beating fast and Ernst was kissing him back …no one made him feel so good beside himself- and Desdemona. Hanschen pulled away, a bit nervous about the numbness that now filled his head. Besides - he didn't want to overdo it.

"Are you feeling a bit more _relaxed_ now, Ernst?"

"Oh, y-yes—I think so. Thank you Hanschen." Ernst leaned over and kissed Hanschen softly.

"So Ernst what exactly did this dream consist of?" all the color left Ernst's face as he gave a weak smile.

On the way home Hanschen thought things over. _How strange, _he thought. He hadn't expected his "relationship" with Ernst to have such an effect on _him_. But it was no matter. This was, after all, for the majority of his benefit, and he was most definitely enjoying himself. Even if it wasn't what he had expected…

**I don't own Spring Awakening.**

**Prepare yourself for the next chapter….**


	4. So Much More Than Nothing: Hanschen

**Hello lovelies! Things are about to get intense…**

**I still don't own S.A.**

"_SCHWUCHTEL!" _

Hanschen stopped blankly at the sound of the word and peered into the ally. Two men in uniform were beating a man mercilessly.

"Filth! You have destroyed the Deutschland and the will of God!" the taller of the men in uniform threw the man against the wall.

"…I am a German and a man in the glory of God's grace…" Hanschen nearly dropped when he recognized the unfortunate man's soft distinguished voice.

"God's grace will never surround you!" the man was kicked, beaten, and thrown to the ground. The taller of the two men turned to the other. "_Hold him down._" Hanschen willed himself to move and stumbled into the cobblestone alley.

"Gentlemen! Is there a problem?" he was sure his voice had cracked, and shook. The two men looked surprised at Hanschen's entrance, but relaxed when they noticed the familiar armband on his left sleeve.

"You see, this man was walking by when his brief case fell open…naturally we went to help him retrieve his belongings. Unfortunately he was in possession of this." The younger man handed Hanschen a book on the works of Magnus Hirschfeld. "This book is regarding a homosexual writer and his work to repeal paragraph 175 of the German penal code. Surely you understand this cannot be tolerated."

"My, My… Thank you, gentleman for your attempt in trying to help him _understand_ his own wretchedness. " Hanschen tried to give a convincing smirk. "May I ask a favor? I happen to know this creature…after deceiving me and many others it would give me great pleasure to _assist_ him into town."

"Yes… I suppose so…" they seemed disappointed but thankfully, not skeptical.

"Thank you, gentlemen. Hile!

"Hile!"

"Hile!"

Each of the men promptly kicked Ernst once again for good measure, nodded to Hanschen and walked off.

Hanschen slowly approached the crumpled figure on the ground and pulled him to the corner, where they could not be seen. He placed Ernst across his lap and held him for a moment. The deep brown eyes looked up at him. His face was bloody and already beginning to bruise and his clothes were dirty and damp from the pavement. The angle- faced man was hardly recognizable, and he had tears in his eyes that seemed as though they would never dry. Hanschen swallowed hard, took off his armband and slipped it around Ernst's arm.

"N-n-no…Hans-" Ernst protested.

"Shhh! No one will question you, if you have it." He gazed down at the broken figure in his arms who did not meet his eyes. Hanschen hauled him up, grabbed him by the waist and walked slowly as Ernst leaned on him. He could feel Ernst's hand on his back groping for support. _He hadn't touched him in so long…_They were about two blocks from Hanschen's flat when a large older man stopped them.

"Herr Rilow? Dear me what's happened here?" Hanschen casually and calmly responded, though he instinctively tightened his grasp around Ernst pulling him closer, keeping him safe.

"Ahh! Herr Kost, good evening. My friend from Berlin arrived about an hour ago…he was beaten and robbed at the train station before I met him. I'll get him cleaned and fed."

The man sighed and shook his head. "What Weimar has done to the German people…but we shall rise above it! Well good evening," he looked at Ernst and then at the swastika on his arm. "Welcome, to Hannover, Sir. You have my sympathy for your misfortune." Hanschen nodded and continued down the dark street with Ernst's arms around him.

When they arrived at his luxurious flat, Hanschen placed Ernst gently on the bed, and fetched water and bandages to clean the wounds. He washed his face, gently pushing back the damp, matted brown hair. There was a gash on his forehead that needed stitching, which Hanschen did well, and without hesitation. Ernst lay limp and let him work, but neither of them spoke. Hanschen knew he was cold and wet and when he had finished fixing the wounds began to undress him. Ernst opened his large eyes and looked worried for a moment, but Hanschen avoided his look and continued unbuttoning his shirt. But it hurt to see that his trust was questioned. He could see that his figure was the same, the same pronounced collar bone he had lusted after as a boy, the same small frame. He stared at Ernst for a moment and saw the same young boy sitting on a bed blushing at his touch.…_to have that again, to hold him again… _his ribs were badly bruised and Hanschen bandaged those as well. He reached for the belt and watched as his body became rigid and his face nervous, however, Ernst allowed him to finish undressing him and putting him into a nightgown far too large. Hanschen placed him under the covers, turned off the light and left the room without saying a word. He was tired of the knot in his throat and the burning in his heart. He went into the living room to fix himself a drink.

Three hours later at four in the morning, Hanschen returned to his room where Ernst slept carrying some food and water on a tray. He turned on the light and Ernst stirred and sat up.

"Here."

"Thank you…"

Ernst ate in silence as Hanschen walked to the window.

"Thank you…" Ernst said again, when he had finished, putting the empty tray aside.

"You didn't flee…" Hanschen didn't move until after he had spoken.

"No, I didn't, I'm sorry Hanschen. Bu—"

"You had the money…I left you—"

"Three hundred marks. Yes. I found it in the study…that was very generous."

"And your family is no longer here…Thea lives in France..."

"Yes…"

"So what kept you? I told you the degree of danger you were in… I warned you Ernst! Why are you still here?"

"Germany is my home," His voice was calm and soft. "I am a German. Hate and corruption do not change that. I _am_ a sentimentalist. You were right about that…I suppose I thought that there was hope. That was foolish I know…Do you remember that spring day, early on, where I asked you about shame? I said I was afraid of what we had, and what we did together. That I was afraid to love you because the law said it was wrong, and that perhaps God did too. Do you remember what you told me? You said the laws were faulty and not nearly as evolved as they should be. You said sometimes you had to wait to _skim off the cream_, because society wasn't ready to be manipulated. And then, you said, you weren't sure about god, but if _I_ liked it and _you_ liked it, God probably didn't give a damn. What you said after, surprised me…you told me, God probably wanted to stop hate before he wanted to stop any form of love… _if there was a god that is_. And it's strange, perhaps you were just being charming and radically open minded for the spur of the moment, or for the point of seduction, but I live by that, still. And I honestly believe it to be true…and many others do too…I think you were right Hanschen. There really _are_ only way three ways a man can go; I could never _skim off the cream_ like you…no, I suppose I've let the status quo defeat me, I'll either flee, or be locked away. Or maybe I've rocked the boat…not like Melchior did years ago, but still. I suppose I'm in the middle somewhere… I have made an impact in my organizations…but not such a big one to the world around me. And I will be defeated…one way or another. I think, still, I am proud. I may be close to nothing, but nothing is lovely compared to what I thought it would be. Yes, when I was a boy, I thought nothing was truly nothingness and that was what I would become. But I have become a little more than that, and I am content with the small impact I have left, no matter how close to nothing it may be…"

Hanschen stared at the man he still considered a boy. He watched the pain in his eyes and how he saw the world. He envied the strength he had and the bravery he possessed. He saw Ernst Robel, bruised, and beaten sitting up in his bed in a nightgown far too large pouring his heart out and reminiscing. He saw a flicker of life in his eyes, that he, himself had lost years before. He felt a burning in his heart, and somewhere in his mind a blonde haired, blue eyed boy told him to follow it. And he did.

Hanschen walked swiftly to the bed and kissed him. One hand gently placed on his bruised cheek. It felt so much like that first night in the vineyard, where Ernst's lips had tightened in surprise and then relaxed and clumsily kissed him back. But this time, there was tragedy and not good humor. And Hanschen Rilow wasn't seducing because he found Ernst alluring and because he could, he was kissing Ernst because he needed to and because he was asking for forgiveness, and giving love in return. When they parted, Hanschen became aware of the tears welling in his eyes, but did not try to brush them away. He stared into the large brown eyes and said:

"You are not nothing. You never were and you never shall be. Ernst, you are far too much, and I cannot lose that. Not again, not forever."

***dramatic gasp* **

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	5. Life Lessons From Hanschen: Ernst

**I don't own S.A. **

**Enjoy :]**

It was late spring and the two boys lolled in the grass. Ernst was finishing his essay for class and Hanschen lay beside him resting, and feeling the sun's warmth. His arm was casually draped over Ernst's leg, which the doe- eyed boy tried with no success, to ignore.

"Hanschen?"

"Hmm?" he sat up and looked at Ernst.

"Do you ever…uh…feel shame?"

"It's not likely." Ernst wasn't surprised; he hadn't expected a direct answer. "Why do ask? Had another _dream_ perhaps?"

"Oh, no…this is different…" Ernst sighed and didn't meet Hanschen's eyes.

"Well…?"

Ernst took a breath, and spoke in a shaky voice. "I'm frightened…of what we do together, and of what I feel…I'm so _ashamed._ I'm scared to love you…there are _laws_ against it! And I overheard Papa saying it was wrong to do to what we do… and I don't want to stop because I love you, but I'm s-so _ashamed_… And w-what if God thinks it's wrong? What if he punishes me?" Ernst's eyes were moist now and he heard Hanschen let out a sigh. He wasn't sure if it was a sigh of frustration, or pity or something completely different, but he waited for him to speak.

"Oh Ernst, you mustn't get so upset…it's alright..." he patted Ernst on the back awkwardly. "Now, I'll explain…it's really quite simple. Laws are terribly faulty…they ought to be more evolved; they're terribly old fashioned, and some people don't agree with, shall we say, open minded ideals. Many people think our kind of _relationships_ are corrupt and wrong…that the old way is better. These people are _fools_. People have been doing what we do and, _much more_, since ancient times. Some people don't accept it. You see, Ernst, sometimes you have to wait to _skim off the cream_… society often isn't ready to be manipulated. But it will be. One day. As for god, I can imagine, he would want to eliminate all forms of hate before he would want to eliminate any form of love. So if _I_ like it, and _you_ like, I don't see how he could give a damn- If there is a god that is. So love me all you like. I hardly think god will punish you…it's really quite logical."

Ernst was amazed at the boys words…_such strange ideas… but they made perfect sense._

"I think, you are right Hanschen…"

"Yes...well..." he smirked and leaned in kissing Ernst, who felt no shame in kissing him back. Hanschen seemed to notice the change, and smiled in the kiss—a rarity that Ernst loved. They wrapped their arms around each other and continued kissing. Ernst remembered it to be similar to the second kiss in the vineyard, Where he had in fact, thrown his arms around Hanschen's neck as the boy had pulled him close and wrapped his arms around his small body. Hanschen had led the kiss of course, bobbing his head around, making sure to leave a lasting effect. Ernst remembered kissing him back intensely, and then softly, not wanting to let go. And here they were again; Ernst blushed a little as he wondered if Hanschen was enjoying this kiss as much as he was. _Yes, Hanschen is right._ He thought. _Why would God want to get rid of love?_

Suddenly Hanschen was pulling away, and Ernst was confused, his head still rushed with happy, guilt-free thoughts.

"Ernst…mmm…darling…wait…" He finally managed to pull away and Ernst looked up confused and a bit dazed. "Someone is in the front yard." Hanschen whispered. Ernst shook himself to gather his thoughts and stood up. Sure enough, there was a soft female voice calling his name from the front yard. He walked to the front of his house to find a tall girl in a green dress with messy red hair.

"Ilse!"

"Oh! Ernst, I was afraid you weren't home—"

"Well, well, Ilse Neumann…" Hanschen had come sauntering out from the backyard.

Ilse glanced from boy to boy staring at Ernst's messy hair, and Hanschen's rumpled and semi un-tucked shirt. Ernst noticed and became white as a sheet.

"Hanschen and I were studying…Virgil…"

"Hanschen… you were _helping_ Ernst? It's nice to see you've changed…"

"Oh, I _help_ Ernst quite a bit. Latin is terribly challenging. You've never studied it I suppose…"

Ilse ignored him. "Well, I hope I didn't interrupt…Ernst, I just wanted to return your paints… Alexi really appreciated the lone. The piece is finished, I thought you might want to see, it's lovely, the trees remind me of the way you paint yours, and the shadows are so haunting…that's what he needed the blues for."

"Why, Ernst, I didn't know you painted. How _fascinating_."

"Oh, I don't, often…just occasionally… I'm not good…" his face burned.

"You're paintings are beautiful Ernst. When I stayed with Baum, he hated you; he said the universe wasted its gifts by giving one to you. He envied you. But that's how artists are… anyway, can you come?"

"I suppose…Hanschen, would you like to join us?" Ernst longed to see the painting, but didn't want to leave Hanschen…he also didn't really want an uncomfortable one mile walk to Priapia with both of them, knowing they had a mutual dislike for each other.

"No, I ought to go anyway… I'll see you in Latin Class tomorrow. Ilse… I'm so glad to hear you've found a place to stay…_for the time being._" Ernst wished Hanschen's pride wasn't so big. _Why did he always have to have the last word?_

He put his paints inside and came out to find Hanschen still gathering his school books. Ilse took Ernst's hand and led him down the road. When Ernst looked back, he saw Hanschen watching them. His jaw was clenched and he looked unsettled, no doubt, by the hand holding. _Hanschen Rilow was jealous_. Ernst smiled to himself, and turned his attention back to his fiery friend.

**Thanks for reading! Reviews are appreciated!**


	6. Together: Ernst

**Thanks for the reviews! You guys are awesome :] The last chapter we saw some of Ilse, who we will be seeing again in future chapters, as well as some other SA characters. I know I haven't updated in a while (my internet was down) so I'm giving you guys 2 chapters. Enjoy :]**

**I don't own spring awakening**

"You are not nothing. You never were and you never shall be. Ernst, you are far too much, and I cannot lose that. Not again, not forever."

What could he say to that? What could he do?

He watched Hanschen cry for the first time. He looked older, a man—he was no longer the boy who had seduced him so easily, so long ago. He was broken. The boy who planned to manipulate the system, and make it work for him had failed. He was controlled by the figures and ideas that had corrupted him. Hanschen had always wanted power, to be it or to be a part of it, and now, he was, but he had failed himself. Ernst held the man close to his bruised body. The man he still loved very much—who had saved him.

He had been walking home from one of his organizations. His briefcase had fallen open…the two men in armbands discovered the simple contents. He remembered the way they looked at him—with so much hate… he was thrown into the ally and beaten again and again. He had not asked for mercy, he only defended his right to God and to love. This only made the men hate more, and he watched it in their eyes. He was thrown to the ground. He heard the words that pierced his heart. _"Hold him down!"_ he remembered Hanschen's convincing voice, and being lifted to the side and then held close…the lie, and the man whose eyes had searched and found the swastika on his arm, which of course, belonged to Hanschen. He remembered being washed and bandaged by Hanschen who would not look him in the eye. And being undressed, which had scared him. And it had showed, because Hanschen looked hurt when he had opened his wide eyes in worry… the feel of his hands on his body after two years of being alone made him want to cry. And he barely protested when he had reached for the belt. A night gown was slipped over his head and he was placed under the covers gently. The light had gone out and Haschen had left the room.

Ernst's eyes were moist now too. He couldn't help but forgive the broken man in his arms. Hate and corruption were to blame, not the man weeping before him.

"Hanschen…"

"Ernst…please…I—" their eyes met, and Ernst, leaned in and kissed him. Hanschen's eyes were still filled with tears, from his confession and he kissed him back with so much force, he pinned him to the bed. Ernst winced and Hasnchen rolled off immediately.

"I'm sorry I forgot…" Ernst watched as he almost smiled. Hanschen lay beside him and Ernst kissed him again before placing his head on Hanschen's chest. After a while Hanschen spoke again. He was stronger this time and the spark in eyes had rekindled. "_We'll flee together_."


	7. A Change in Mind and Heart: Hanschen

**I don't own SA**

**:]**

"_Hanschen no!_" Ernst squealed. "We have to get this done…we keep putting it off…"

Hanschen rolled his eyes and didn't remove his fingers from the boys' neck. They were working in his room on his bed and he had been left unsatisfied with their last meet.

"Virgil is so dull… and our last meeting was rather unsatisfying… due to Ilse's interruption…"

Ernst looked handsome, his hair was neatly parted and his clothes were sharp and _on_…which Hanschen wanted to fix. He promptly snatched the book out of his hands and chucked it across the room. Ernst was shocked for a moment, and looked at Hanschen who smirked and pounced. Straddling the boys' waist and kissing him.

"I'm sorry Ernst, but I didn't quite get my fill of you on Tuesday and sitting next to you all day in class… well, it doesn't cut it." Ernst was smiling now and seemed to acquiesce to the idea that Virgil wasn't going to happen. His shirt came off quickly and Hanschen kissed his neck and chest… _and that collar bone!_ Suddenly, Ernst rolled over so that he straddled Hanschen's waist, taking him strongly by surprise. He stared into Hanschen's eyes as if asking for permission_. But why not?_ Ernst nervously reached for the buttons on Hanschens shirt and undid them with much trouble, which gave Hanschen a small smile. However when his shirt was off, Ernst stared at his chest seemingly amazed, and then placed his hand to Hanschen's heart. At first, Hanschen wanted to laugh, at the gesture, but then found the boy staring into his eyes again, and he felt a great passion for the boy above of him. Ernst leaned in and kissed him gently and moved his lips to Hanschen's neck and then to his chest. He then lay flat on top of him, kissing his lips again and again as their skin touched. Hanschen was shocked when he, _himself_, let out a groan. _Was he, being…seduced?_ He allowed Ernst's fingers to travel across his chest and his neck before he cupped Hanchen's face in his hands and kissed him again. The boy on top of him rubbed his body up and down against his as kisses traveled from his lips to his chest, to his neck and back to his lips again… _Where did he learn to do that? Sweet, innocent Ernst was seducing him! No, surely not…He seduced the doe-eyed boy, not the other way around…but…oh, god…_ Another groan. Hanschen's heart raced, _surely this wasn't normal? Oh! But it felt so good!_ Ernst finished with a perfect lingering kiss. He rolled off and sat with his knees tucked to his chest. Hanschen just stared.

"W-was that…alright?" the boy gave a nervous smile. Hanschen wasn't quite sure how to answer.

"Yes…that was rather…enjoyable…" he moved to where Ernst sat and lay back putting his arm around him. "In fact, I think you made up for Ilse's horrid interruption." Hanschen tried to be angry with himself for allowing Ernst to seduce him but he couldn't quite manage it.

Ernst gave a large grin and lay down next Hanschen, facing him. Hanschen examined his big brown eyes, his soft features and the freckles across the bridge of his nose and cheeks. He could feel him breathing…

"Why do you dislike Ilse?"

"Hmm?" Hanschen was thinking of other things. "Oh, I suppose I don't _dislike_ her…she's so dramatic...and _she's_ never been fond of me…"

"Oh… well, we're just friends…there's no need to be jealous of her holding my hand. – don't deny it." Ernst smiled a little. Hanschen was speechless…_surely it wasn't so obvious? And it wasn't jealousy; really, more like distrust for Ilse…_ Ernst grabbed his hand and held it close to him. Hanschen's thoughts raced in confusion. He felt so strange. Not quite in control. He wasn't his cynical self. He hadn't anticipated this, when he decided to become a tease to the boy he found alluring, who, he had noticed, stared at him in gym class… He wanted it to be ok to hold Ernst and to say what he had to say, but his pride was far too strong. Ernst let go of his hand and a large amount of warmth left Hanschen's body.

"I should go. _I_ have Latin and equations to finish…and I promised Thea we could go for a walk to visit Wendla, she hasn't been well." He watched Ernst get up from the bed and slip on his shirt and jacket.

"Yes…I am terribly distracting; I must be wretched to study with."

"Goodbye Hanschen, I'll see tomorrow!" he headed to the door.

"Ernst…" Hanschen leaned over and stopped the door from opening. Ernst turned around just in time to meet his lips. It wasn't a long kiss or a heavy one…just short and light. But it meant so much to both of them. When they pulled apart, Ernst was blushing and smiling. He still got giddy when they kissed. Hanschen watched as he opened the door and stumbled out.

Hanschen went back to his bed and put his head in his hands. He hadn't even tried to seduce him! And he had still turned pink and smiled. Ernst did love him, he knew that. He didn't have to be a tease, or tell him to "skim off the cream." Ernst was giddy from love no matter what. _Then what the hell was he giddy from? Why did he look forward to seeing the boy who sat behind in class, after school, everyday…?_ He had to clear his head. Hanschen reached into the bottom drawer of his dresser and pulled out his picture of Desdemona. For the first time, her still body did nothing for him.

**Thanks for reading! I'll update soon, promise! (unless my internet goes again, which it shouldn't.)**


	8. Paintings,Prayers and the Past: Hanschen

**Hey guys! Thanks for the reviews of my last chapter. Hope you like this one :]**

**I don't own Spring Awakening**

Hanschen awoke to find himself next to a bruised Ernst who was still holding his hand from the night before. They had fallen asleep holding each other for the first time in two years. Hanschen slowly sat up and looked at the man beside him. _Why had he ever let him go? The ideas that had corrupted him were evil, just as Ernst had said, and yet he went ahead…a fool, a coward. _That terrible day flashed through his mind; where he had pulled away from the kiss Ernst had given him and left. Where hate controlled his thoughts of love_… what had happened to that blonde haired blue eyed boy, who could manipulate the system? who was cynical and yet so capable of compassion for the man beside him…well, not at first—he had certainly fought it._ Hanschen chuckled a little thinking of himself first truly falling for the doe-eyed boy.

He went to the kitchen and brought up coffee for the still sleeping Ernst.

"Ernst…" Hanschen whispered. He shifted under the covers and groggily opened his eyes. "Here…" Hanschen helped him sit up before handing him the mug and gently kissing him, something he wanted to do every chance he got.

"Good morning…" Ernst mumbled. Hanschen watched as he tried to return the kiss, but his face was swollen and bruised and very painful—he could barely pucker his lips. Hanschen smiled and helped him.

There was silence while Ernst drank before Hanschen sighed and sat down on the bed. "You know you can't go home…"

"Yes, I know."

"I'll go and get your clothes…is there anything else there you need?"

"No…"

"I'll go now; the sooner the better…will you be alright?" Hanschen couldn't help but worry. He didn't want to leave again…

"Of course, I'll be fine." Again, Hanschen kissed the man in his too-large night shirt, and held him close. He helped him lie back to rest before leaving the room.

Hanschen walked down the streets of Hannover with the spark he had lost two years before. The blonde haired, blue eyed boy was showing through. His heart raced from passion to anger as he thought of the country he loved, the country whose people were so full of hate. He thought of Ernst sitting up in his bed trying to gather strength and kiss him back. He wanted to cry and laugh and scream. He wanted to take Ernst somewhere safe—he wanted to protect him. He wanted to hold him and love him like he had when they were children. He wasn't ashamed to love Ernst which the party said was wrong, he was only ashamed of what he had done that autumn night where he didn't kiss Ernst back, where he left, planning not to care and not to return. He was shaking when he finally reached Ernst's small, two story house.

It was still early morning and no one was around, so he was able to push the door open without anyone seeing or caring. The house was still and lonesome. Hanschan walked to the bedroom where he had been many times before. He shuffled through drawers, grabbing the clothing Ernst needed, and placing them in his satchel. He went to the bed and sat down, placing his head in his hands. He had been numb for two years, and in one night, everything had come rushing back; the love, the pain, and the guilt. Memories pulsed through him: the new year of 1920, where Ernst had a bit too much to drink and tripped over the coffee table, spraining his ankle; Their "anniversaries" which Ernst always remembered, the last of which, consisted of slow dancing in the living room to American jazz; The times he would walk through Ernst's study shirtless, in an attempt to make him laugh and distract him from his work. The evening a night club singer in Berlin had approached him, offering him a dance and probably more. He had shaken his head, apologized and kissed Ernst flat on the mouth in front of her. Later, Ernst scolded him for nearly an hour, but no one had cared. It was the Weimar Republic: everyone was poor and lonesome and desperate, and seeing two people, no matter whom they were, love each other and feel no shame, gave those people a little peace of mind. Hanschen chuckled remembering the girl dropping her cigarette, and then squealing _"oh how marvelous!"_ The three of them had sat and talked, and they had taken her to dinner, never to see her again. But it was lovely all the same. Hanschen remembered their evening strolls too; watching the night life and the neon club lights. Walking in the park and watching Ernst as he watched the stars. The nights Ernst stayed over. Where they held each other, feeling each other's warmth and waking up to find the other still there in the morning.

Hanschen got up, feeling lighter, and walked around the house one more time. He entered the study. Books filled the shelves and papers covered his desk. Hanschen wondered if someday the beloved books would be burned…perhaps the party could go that far. He sat down and shuffled through the drawers. At the bottom was a stack of letters, all from himself. They dated back to 1891, when he had left for a week to learn and visit his father's business. Beside the stack of letters was two clippings from a newspaper; obituaries. And underneath, that was what appeared to be an essay of sorts. Hanschen recognized the handwriting as Ernst's and began to read it. It was a sermon. In fact, it was the only sermon Hanschen had read or heard that made the slightest bit of sense to him. It was beautifully written, he had never seen him write something of the sort; only the critiques his job required him to do. He didnt quite know what to make of it, so he folded it neatly and placed it into his pocket. He got up, glanced around the study one more time and left the room. He heaed to the door.

He stopped when he came to the staircase leading to a single room- Ernst's art studio. Hanschen walked up the stairs and opened the door. His heart nearly broke. Everything was covered in dust, looking as if it hadn't been touched since the day he had left. Paintings and sketches covered the room. An old painting of Thea and Ilse together was placed against the wall. Another of painting of Wendla, sat beside it. Canvases covered the floor…Melchior, Moritz, Georg, Martha, Otto, Anna…the Roble family, landscapes…there was a single easel in the corner of the room, there sat an unfinished painting of Hanschen, himself. It was the only one Ernst had ever done of him. Hanschen attempted to swallow the lump in his throat, and took as many paintings as would fit in his satchel. He turned and glanced once more at the tiny studio before shutting the door and walking back down the stairs. He left the house feeling once again flooded with emotion. _How could a lonesome broken country that allowed two men to kiss in a nightclub become a power-hungry state where men beat others who defend their right to God and love?_ He felt like a boy again, battling with identity, love, and anger as he walked back towards his own home. This time, however, he was not battling Ernst, but himself. His love for Ernst was the perhaps the only certainty he had, while his mind and heart raced. When he arrived outside his flat his mind was finally at rest. These were the things that mattered: fleeing from corruption and danger, becoming what he had lost, loving the battered man still in his bed, protecting him, and being forever with Ernst Robel.

**Thanks for reading! My next chapter is already half written so I'll have it up soon (we see some Ilse, and a little of Thea :] ) feel free to review and give feedback. **


	9. Life Lessons From Ilse: Ernst

**Hello everyone! So sorry for the wait, I was away and without my laptop for 2 weeks. Thank you so much for the past couple reviews, I really appreciate it :] anyway, here's chapter 9, hope you enjoy it :]**

**I don't own spring awakening**

"Ernst when can I see it?" Thea was sitting by the oak tree next Ilse.

"Only when it's done…" Thea rolled her eyes and turned her attention back to Ilse. Ernst had complied to painting them together after his sister's insistent begging. But, of course, he didn't mind. It was a beautiful day and he hadn't painted in a while. He hadn't seen Ilse In a week or so either, and the enjoyed watching the two girls talk. His sister had been lonelier than usual since Wendla had fallen ill, and he liked seeing her happy, and chatting again. Thea's eyes were full of excitement as Ilse told her about life in Priapia, and Ilse's face saddened a bit when she heard of life in her old town. Normally Ernst would be a bigger part of the conversation, but when he painted, he only watched. He tried to capture their emotions with his brush as he stroked on layers of light and shadow, as he listened to bits of their conversation.

"….currently I'm staying with Alexi Yukovsky…

"…To sit and be painted, all day… they dress you in _whatever_ they like?..."

"…it's always strange to be home…even if I come so frequently…."

"…Martha gives her best…"

"Thea, come help with dinner please…" Frau Roble called to her daughter, and Ernst immediately began to set his paints aside and walk to the kitchen before his mother called out again. "Not you Ernst, just Thea. She has to learn to cook too." Ernst gave a sympathetic look to his sister as she sighed and got up. He liked cooking, and didn't think it was fair that Thea always had to it.

"Don't worry, Thea, we'll finish it later." Ernst said as he began to pack up his paints. She sighed again and went into the kitchen.

Ilse stood up and helped Ernst fold his easel. He watched as she took a few steps forward into the sun and threw her arms above her head, and spun around. The beams of light bounced of her vibrant hair, and the wind casually swayed her green dress. He wanted to keep that image forever in his head so that one day he could paint it, if he could do it justice. After a few moments her arms dropped to her sides and she turned around, and sat back down against the tree. Ernst sat down next to Ilse in the shade, leaning against the tree too. "It's almost summer," She said, staring at the hills and sunset in front of her. "Sometimes, on warm nights, a can sneak away from the insane life of whatever artist I'm with. I walk to the park, behind the cemetery, and sleep…summer is really the only time I can sleep so soundly, behind that oak tree, near the cemetery and the hill."

Ernst smiled and took her hand. He was used to her strange and beautiful way of saying, and doing things. "I'm glad you could come…we've missed you. And Thea's been quieter since Wendla got sick. It's nice to see her happy." Ilse didn't respond for a long time.

"You know, I think this is the best time to paint. All the colors awaken from their slumber. Everything feels so strange…it's the best time to capture both shadow and light on paper." Ernst looked up at her. She was different, somehow, since Moritz died. Her whole presence was a combination of desire and tragedy and nostalgia, more so than usual. She rested her head on his shoulder her brilliant red hair flying everywhere. "I'm glad I stopped by too…I needed it. I was exhausted after I delivered Melchior's letter to Wendla…"

Ernst curiously looked up. "Melchior…wrote to Wendla?" Ilse looked saddened for a moment.

"Oh… yes…he did. Ernst?"

"Yes?"

"You know why Wendla's sick, don't you?"

"Anemia, her mother said it was anemia…" Ernst was confused…he didn't understand how the letter was related.

"No, Ernst. She is going to have a child. Melchior is the father of that child."

"Wha— how? Ilse?" his mouth was suddenly dry…how could she drop that sentence so casually?

"When we grow up, we feel things. We have desires and wonders…Ernst it's important that we don't feel shame for those desires." Ernst suddenly remembered his dream…and Hanschen way of _fixing_ it. "Melchior and Wendla…they shared desires, and wonders. They were tired of being scolded, and coddled by society…they were tired of being told not to _feel._ They allowed themselves to love, to feel passion and beauty and everything good. Society had compressed them for so long without giving them the information they needed…they broke free, and there was a price." Ilse had a far off look in her eyes that Ernst didn't recognize. "Since Priapia is somewhere between here and the reformatory, I've been bringing the letters they send to each other, I guess the mail was being monitored, so Wendla's letters weren't being received." _Wendla… Melchior… and he was gone…in that reformatory…what would happen to them? He loved Wendla like a sister…and Melchior had been such a mentor to him and Moritz. They loved each other! And there was a price…a price that was not accepted by society…that means that they…they…did what that essay showed! The one Melchior had given to Moritz…they did love each other…and they were apart…but Melchior would escape…yes, he had to._ "Ernst, are you alright…?"

"Oh…y-yes…I suppose…" they sat silently for a long time. Feeling the breeze as twilight approached. Ernst didn't know what to say or feel, and for once, he noticed, neither did Ilse. But she broke the silence in the end.

She turned slightly toward him and took his hand. "Ernst, what…what are you doing? With… with Hanschen?"

"He's helping me study…Virgil and Math and…" his words were shaky and he could feel the color leaving his face.

"The other day… I saw you…both of you. It was lovely; actually…with your arms wrapped around each other…but Ernst…Hanschen…he's…" Ernst was confused again. _She was_ _upset, not because he was kissing a boy, but because it was Hanschen?_

"Ilse, I love him…" he didn't know what other way to say it, because he did. He loved Hanschen so much. He loved the way the boy kissed him, always holding him, pulling him close. The way he smiled when he was pleased. He loved the cynical and sarcastic parts of him as well as compassionate parts. Ernst didn't want to hear what Ilse was going to say. She couldn't discourage him from loving Hanschen.

"I know. I know you love him. I see the way you look at him…and I see the way he looks at you…Ernst, I have seen many types of men. Some are lost, some are angry. Some men are cold, heartless, some are cowards. I cannot place Hanschen Rilow. He seems all of those things. But when he is with you he seems something very different. Just…be careful. I don't want him to hurt you." Her voice was calm, as always. Ernst didn't know what to feel. _Yes, Hanschen was hard to read, but when you love someone you have to trust them. And be careful? What does that mean? _Suddenly Ernst thought of the first thing Ilse had said; "I see the way you look at him. I see the way he looks at you."

"Ilse?"

"Yes?"

"How…how does Hanschen look at me?"

Ilse didn't seem to want to answer, but she smiled and said; "The last time a saw Melchi and Wendla together, they were sitting on the hill, near that oak tree. I think it was the last time they saw each other before he was sent away. The way they looked at each other, is the way you look at Hanschen. It's also the way he looks at you." Ernst's heart leapt and he could feel his face getting warmer and trying to suppress the wide smile he attempted to hide. "I should go…it's late, and you should probably check on Thea…make sure she hasn't burned the house down." She smiled. "Perhaps I'll come by again next week. Goodbye Ernst, I'll see you." She began to walk away.

"Wait…Ilse?" Ernst had just one more question.

"Yes?"

"Do you think…" he struggled for the words. "Do you think God will punish me? Because of who I am, because of Hanschen?" Ernst wanted just one more answer to his question, to make sure that what Hanschen, and now, he, himself believed was correct.

"No Ernst, I think that if God can forgive Wendla, and Melchior…and even me, I think he can forgive you too, if there's anything to forgive for."

It was the perfect answer. "Thank you. Good night Ilse." She smiled at him and walked off up the hill behind the Robel house. Ernst watched her until she disappeared from sight, again trying to keep that image in his head, forever.

**Thanks again, if you have any questions, comments, reviews, feel free to submit them. Have a lovely day! :]**


	10. All Will Be Forgiven: Ernst

**Hello there :] So this chapter took me a while, I wrote and rewrote, and I'm still not sure how I feel about it, but I hope you all enjoy it :]**

**I don't own Spring Awakening **

Ernst's injuries were a long time in healing. It took a good week for the bruises to begin fading and for the pain to let up, however his broken ribs still caused him agony if he moved the wrong way. Since he couldn't leave the house, he spent his days painting, something he began to do again at Hanschen's urging, who was around in the morning, and in the evening, but in the afternoons he usually attended meetings of whatever sort having to do with the party and occasionally work. He was a lawyer, something he told Ernst he would never be. However, his skill for manipulating the system came in handy and he took up practice more as a hobby than as a job. Since his father's own law practice left him with a rather large inheritance, he only took cases occasionally, to challenge himself and give him the chance to prove something. Usually, at the current state however, the meetings were party related, with the exception of today, Hanschen was meeting a new client, a favor to one of the higher party members who needed his brother-in-law bailed out. Ernst often wondered what went through his mind when he left the house, and came home only to kiss him and pull him close deceiving the party yet again—the very thing he had left for.

Everything was so different. They hardly talked now, and when they did it was soft spoken and of little importance. Nothing more had been said about a plan to get Ernst out of Germany, and how or if Hanschen was to go with him. Neither of the men seemed to know how to approach the subject, and so they tip toed around it—until one morning when Ernst sat reading the newspaper and drinking his coffee.

Hanschen came out around quarter of nine, still buttoning his shirt and combing his hair. He walked to the table and sat next to Ernst who lowered the paper in a small sort of trance. Hanschan seemed not to notice, and kissed him. "Morning," he said.

"Good morning Hanschen." He tried to smile. But he couldn't. "I made some eggs, there's a plate for you in the kitchen…if you want it."

"Thank you darling." He smiled sauntered to the kitchen and returned moments later with plate, and sat down once again and began to eat.

Ernst continued scanning his paper. He didn't know why, he wasn't reading anymore, wasn't taking in anymore facts…just watching the black print blur as his eyes became a little moist.

"Anything _fascinating_ in today's paper?" Hanschen said, taking Ernst off guard.

"Huh? Oh… N-no…not particularly…"

Hanschen looked up from his eggs and put down his fork. "Is something the matter Ernst? Darling, you don't look well."

"Everything is fine, honest…" he gave a weak and unconvincing smile. He knew Hanschen wasn't going to drop it…

"Darling, hiding your emotions is hardly one of your strong points. I've known you far too long, I can see right through you. Now, what's on your mind, hmm?"

Ernst realized how dry his mouth was as he tried to speak, but Hanschan took his hand reassuringly. "Just, a friend is in the paper this morning…in the obituaries…" there was silence for a moment.

"I'm sorry Ernst…" Hanschen squeezed his hand "who was it…how did they…?"

"Heinz Müller…he was a member of the organization. The paper says he died of heart failure, but there's no use hiding it… those who knew him know he was young, and in good health. He died by his own hands…He would have died rather than be caught, and the party has been after so many of us for so long… I guess he figured he had done his part…that he couldn't do anymore for the cause that he was better off…" a few tears escaped the brown eyes, he couldn't help but cry over the loss of another friend, especially one so good, so kind, who had helped him when he needed it most.

"Darling, I'm so sorry…" Hanschen pulled him close, and stayed silent for a while until Ernst calmed a bit and pulled away. "He was in the organization? Were you…close?"

Ernst felt something that rarely entered his veins; _anger_. _How could he ask that? How could he be so insensitive, so thoughtless! He had just lost a friend and when finding out Hanschen subtly asked if they had been intimate?_ Ernst picked up Hanshen's empty plate and walked to the counter to set it in the sink. He closed his eyes and leaned against the counter.

"Ernst…I shouldn't have asked…I'm sorry…I just—"

"How can you sit there and ask something like that? Now? He's the third member to take his life. The third! You don't know what it's like, losing all your friends…again. You left _me_!" Those last three words echoed. Something so simple, they had failed to discuss. "I never expected to see you again! So if I had found someone…you have no right to judge or expect me to wait around for you. I moved on! It took me a long time Hanschen. I found my place in the world… I made an impact! I helped people believe in God and love, and themselves. I taught them to not to be ashamed. So to answer your question, yes, we were close. He was my _friend_, just a friend. When I was alone, and had nobody, Heinz was there. He was a good friend, a good person. But I had every right to have a relationship then, I have every right to one now! What if I don't want this anymore? What if you leave again? When did you stop loving me? And what makes you so sure you love me now? I just…I can't…" Ernst was crying harder now, he didn't even know what he was saying he just knew that Hanschen was walking toward him. He closed his eyes, as he felt two strong arms pull him into an embrace. He tried to push Hanschen away, but he gave up and his arms lay limp at his sides. He was still leaning against the counter, but now Hanschen's hands were placed on his waste, and the blue eyes were staring into the brown.

Ernst looked at him. The man he loved, whose face was stained with tears as much as his own. Hanschen spoke after a moment. "You're right. I was wrong. You deserve to be happy, and if you need to leave me, I will not protest. I did leave you. That is perhaps my only regret. But, darling please, please believe me when I say, I never stopped loving you. I loved you when I left. I didn't leave because I didn't love you, I left because I did, and because I became a coward…I was corrupted. But I never stopped loving you. Why would I come to warn you if I didn't? If you cannot be with me, then I will help you leave Germany, and you will never see me again." They both knew that the conversation was no longer about Heinz, or Hanschen's foolish words, it was now about Hanschen and Ernst and the words left unsaid.

"Hanschen…I love you, I have never been with anyone else…I couldn't. I just need you to understand that two years is a long time, we've changed… perhaps we were never meant to last…" Ernst felt as though his heart had fallen into the pit of his stomach, and Hanschen was still holding him.

"No…don't…don't say that!"

"Why not? You know, as well as I do that neither of us expected this to last so long. That first night, in the vineyard we had common sense! We were only supposed to be "in the meantime" until, I found a wife, and you moved away. But none of that happened…it was only us, always us…look at the way things are…we can't go on…it's too dangerous, for me…and for you."

"No, Ernst…we can go, we can leave! We'll be safe… Ernst…" he wiped away a few of the tears with his thumb, and Ernst felt his heart take another plummet. "I will never leave you, unless you wish me to do so. I cannot bear to let you go…I just got you back…I'm so sorry…"

"Hanschen…I-I don't know what to do…or what to say. Oh, god! Why did you have to find me..." Ernst's last words were an afterthought, and not meant to be said out loud, but he had, and he soon realized the impact of his words when he saw the pain on Hanschen's face.

"Ernst, you could have died…who knows what those _animals_ would have done to you!…the things I've heard…what happens to those suspected of 175…if I am grateful, for anything, it is that I found you in time. To see you, like that…"

"Everything wouldn't be so complicated…"

"But I wouldn't have you. Ernst, we've been through a lot…We can get through this, trust me." They're faces were close now, and Ernst could feel Hanschen's breath. He stared up at him. Those blue eyes, blonde hair, flawless complexion, he was an Aryan at first glance; a true German. And he was willing to leave that all behind, for him. Perhaps he could truly forgive him now, everything had been said, and there was no longer a wall between them. And despite what his mind had told him for two years, he still loved Hanschen Rilow, and to let him go now was a painful, dreaded thought. Maybe he was right. Maybe they could go, and be safe, and free, and even if they failed, trying was better than waiting for whatever horror lay behind the corner for their country.

"Hanschen…" Ernst felt his heart rise back to his chest and beat very fast. Hanschen pulled him closer still and very softly kissed him. Ernst decided not let him go. He placed a hand behind his neck and kissed him back, truly, for the first time in two years. Hanschen noticed the difference and pulled back for a moment. A few new tears were glistening in his eyes.

He pulled Hanschen to him and with the intention of continuing kissing him, but Hanschen stopped him and took his hand.

"I love you."

Ernst smiled, "I know." He said. Hanschen smiled too for the first time in a long time. "I love you too Hanschen" they leaned in and kissed again this time more deeply as Hanschen placed his hands again on Ernst's waist, who he wrapped his around Hanschen's neck, pulling him a little closer.

I didn't matter that they were kissing in a kitchen, next to dirty plates and such. Ernst was only thinking about Hanschen hands on his waist, and the feel of his lips against his own. It was the first time since they had been reunited, that it was honest, and that something wasn't creating a wall between them. It was the first time that everything had truly been forgiven. After a while Ernst paused.

"Hansch- mmm- Hanschen?" Ernst was finding it difficult to talk, while Hanschen continued kissing him. He didn't want him to stop but- "What time is your meeting with Faber? You're going to be late! How fast can you get to the prison?" Hanschen was due to meet his new client at 11.

He reluctantly pulled away. "Relax darling…perhaps I won't go. I'll just call the state attorney, the bastards' guilty besides. We should start discussing travel arrangements, and I think today as been rough enough on the both of us. I think it would be a good day to _relax_. Yes, the more I think about it the more it sounds like a good idea…I think I'd much rather stay in." Ernst tried to give him a strong look of disapproval, but ended up smiling and blushing instead as Hanschen embraced and kissed him again, leading him out of the kitchen.

**Thanks for reading! Again, feedback is appreciated, so if you have any questions, comments, reviews, feel free to submit them. Have a lovely day :]**


	11. Love and Loss: Hanschen

**Hello Everyone! I know it's been a while, and I apologize for that. Things have been a little crazy for me (medical stuff, school). I don't plan on abandoning this story as long as people are still interested, so just bear with me. Since it's been a while, this chapter is pretty long. Enjoy! **

Hanschen waltzed down the dirt road that would eventually bring him to Ernst's house. It had been two weeks since he had seen him and, as much as he tried to deny it, it had been agony being away for so long. His father had taken him to Berlin, to his law firm there. Hanschen had spent two dreadful weeks in a stuffy and pristine office watching grown argue and such. But, he was home now and that was what mattered. He was home a day early, and planned on surprising Ernst with his usual entrance through his bedroom window. He expected to find him unpacking, for Ernst had been away too, but just for a week. He had gone on some senior-children's-church-group-retreat-thing with Otto. Normally, he would have been displeased with the fact that Ernst was spending a small tent with anyone else, but it _was _Otto, after all…

Hanschen scolded himself for even thinking about the possibility of jealousy…_No, his feelings for Ernst were no more than mere physical infatuation…all for his own benefit…_ However, the words in his head sounded very unconvincing. He attempted to brush the unwanted thoughts and feelings aside as he approached the small white house that was the Robel residence. He walked over to the oak tree and climbed up the few branches that allowed him to enter through the window of Ernst's bedroom. Hanschen had been expecting a greeting involving squealing and kissing, but nothing of the sort came. In fact the room was empty, and not looking at all as it usually did.

Canvases and paints covered the floor and clothes were strewn about, instead of being folded in their drawers. The house seemed unnaturally quiet too. There was no Thea jabbering on, or singing, no noises from the kitchen. Something was wrong. Hanschen glanced around the broken room one more time, and climbed back out through the window. He paced the yard. _He knew Ernst had returned…he had seen Otto in the town square with his mother…but where was Ernst? If someone had hurt him…_His thoughts were a jumbled mess that added to the beating lump in his throat. Thinking hard about where to look first, he soon found himself swiftly walking East, toward Priapia.

As much as he hated to admit it to himself, finding Ernst, and making sure he was alright was far worth the walk to Priapia, and a meeting with Ilse. The walk took him nearly half of an hour, and by the time he finally arrived, he was exhausted, not only from walking a bit too fast, but also from his racing thoughts.

The streets of Priapia were crowded with scruffy looking artists, and people strangely dressed posing in front of easels. He came across a market and decided it best to ask if anyone knew the residence of Ilse.

"Pardon, M'am would you happen to know where I might find Ilse Nuemann?" He approached a middle-aged women selling radishes.

"That strange modeling girl? Ya, the edge of town. A wood cabin number 18. It's the only thing directly outside the market."

"Ah… yes, well thank you." We couldn't get away fast enough, by the looks of it; the women had intentions of trying to get him to buy her radishes which had a few maggots dangling from the roots. Hanschen soon shook off the thought of maggot infested radishes and darted across town with only Ernst on his mind.

Five minutes later he arrived, out of breath, in front of a log cabin with the number 18 plastered on the had overgrown flowers and weeds and looked mildly unkempt, and still charming at the same time.

He knocked on the door three times and jumped when it opened quite suddenly. A young, dark man of around 25 opened the door.

"Excuse me sir, I'm looking for Miss Ilse Neuman. Is this her current place of residence?"

The man grumbled something in Russian about his house becoming a circus and walked back inside. Hanschen waited for a few moments, unsure of what to do, until Ilse came out looking flustered and extremely tired.

"Yes?"

"I'm looking for Ernst. Is he here?"

She didn't answer him; instead she grabbed his arm and dragged him down the steps to the side of the house.

"Is he here?" Hanschen was growing impatient, and he didn't want to deal with Ilse and her strange ways.

"Yes, Hanschen. He's here."

"Is he alright?"

"….yes."

"I need to see him."

"Hanschen, I don't know if he's in the mood…"

"What the hell does that mean? Look, I just…I need to be sure he's alright…"

"Hanschen, please, just listen…" her eyes were glassy, that is to say more so than usual, and it became obvious for the first time that she had been crying. "You know Wendla, and Melchior, don't you?"

"Of course…" he relaxed his tone a bit, although he never liked her much, he didn't want to deal with her crying.

"You know the rumors? About the two of them, together?"

Everyone knew the rumors about them…except maybe Ernst, unless someone had told him of course. "Yes…I don't see what this has to do with—"

"Wendla Bergman died, a week ago. I'm sure you can come up with the true cause of death on your own. Ernst returned from his retreat yesterday…he only just found out. He was close to her. Like a sister…"

Hanschen said nothing. All he could think of was the weeks following the death of Moritz, where Ernst hadn't spoken to anyone, where the day after the funeral he came to class with his eyes red and puffy. Hanschen wasn't one to pity anyone, but he grew sentimental at the thought of Ilse losing the two of her best friends, and Melchior (someone he had never been particularly fond of) losing his best friend and his love. _If he ever lost Ernst…but no, it wasn't love…that was very different…_

"I won't keep you, if you wish to see him…but he's been lying down for some time. He's devastated. But I suppose we all are…"

"Oh, yes. I would appreciate that." He snapped back to the conversation, again attempting to turn of the nagging voice in his head. He turned and headed back toward the house.

"Hanschen?" he stopped and turned to face the red haired figure before him.

"…yes?"

"He deserves to be happy. He's lost some of the people he cared about most. Don't- don't hurt him. Please. You know he loves you, don't take that for granted…because one day…you could wake up. It could be gone."

"I would never hurt him." he hadn't thought, just spoken. And he wasn't quite sure whether he regretted it or not. Ilse smiled at him, which made him uncomfortable, and he made his way inside the cabin.

The first person he saw was Melchior. He was sitting at a small table writing. He looked up at Hanschen and nodded in greeting. "First door on your left," he said before returned to his journal.

He walked down the tiny hallway and knocked on the door before slowly opening it and shutting it behind him. Ernst lay on the bed facing the window. He was either asleep, or not willing to see who had entered the room. Hanschen stood in the doorway. He wasn't familiar with "comforting" and the only thing he could think of to do was to walk over to the bed and gently place his jacket around the boys' shoulders. Ernst turned to face him, and quickly attempted to wipe the remaining tears out of his eyes as he sat up, pulling the jacket tightly around him.

"W-what are you d-doing here?"

"I've decided to run away from home and model for aspiring artists. Really, Ernst why do you think?" he soon realized that it was a poor time to make comedic comments when Ernst's lip trembled, and new tears began to seep from his brown eyes. Hanschen quickly sat down on the bed and pulled Ernst close, sitting against the headboard and wrapping his arms around him.

"She's g-gone. She was barely fifteen…she was just starting out, b-beginning to feel and live her life…a-and after Moritz…" Hanschen kissed him on the forehead as Ernst sobbed into his shoulder. His heart beat fast, and he had the urge to never let him go. _No_, he thought. _Don't think that_… but the feeling in his heart was beginning to cloud his mind, and soon, all those thoughts vanished. They were replaced by the desire to comfort Ernst, to hold him and protect him no matter what. _He needs me now_.

"I know darling, I'm sorry…it's not fair." Hanschen felt Ernst's hand find his, and give it a light squeeze. It was incredible, the amount of tears coming from the boys' eyes, Hanschen left sleeve was practically soaked. He scolded himself for not minding.

"How could her mother d-do that? Without t-telling her? She didn't even h-have a choice. It wasn't her fault! She d-didn't know… she just wanted to love…a-and…I didn't get to say goodbye…she's g-gone."

"Ernst, darling, she's not truly gone. She's up there, with Moritz, I'm sure she's watching down on you. And Melchior, and Ilse, and Thea." _What was he saying?_

"You d-don't b-believe that…"

"I never said I don't believe it, and besides it's what you believe that matters. Do you think she deserves an eternity of happiness?" Ernst sniffed and nodded. "Then, you mustn't be so upset darling…heaven's supposed to be a wonderful place isn't it?"

"Yes, of course, b-but she not there with Melchior. She's there, and h-he's here!"

Hanschen didn't quite know what to say to that, he held him tighter and kissed him again. "Darling, if they really loved each other, then it's not the end…Melchior will always remember her… and he'll see her again, one day…" he was running out of things to say, not to mention the fact that he had a very slight idea what heaven was according to the bible…which he hadn't so much as flipped through.

Ernst's sobs became I little softer, and it seemed as though he wanted to rest. Hanschen wasn't sure if that was because he was more comforted or perhaps just tired and dehydrated. Either way, he enjoyed the boy's arms wrapped around him, and his breath on his neck. He looked down at him. His eyes were closed, and there were wet streaks lining his cheeks. Ernst still had his jacket wrapped around him tightly. Hanschen could feel himself smiling. He could feel himself losing sense again. _Maybe…Maybe, he was denying something he shouldn't. Maybe it wasn't just lust…what he had been telling himself for so long…why was he so keen to deny it anyway?_ Hanschen's heart and mind began their battle again, and he didn't quite hear what Ernst said when he finally shifted and his eyelids fluttered open.

"Sorry, darling, what?"

"Nothing…"

"Come now Ernst…tell me, its al—"

"If I was gone tomorrow, what would do? What would you feel?"

_Don't answer that._ "I- well, I- don't know…" that was almost the truth.

Ernst wiped away a few remaining tears and sat up, Hanschen felt his warmth leave his body.

"Ilse said Melchi almost d-died…like Moritz. He ran from the reformatory. He was supposed to meet her in the graveyard. But he found her grave instead. Before he could…w-well, I guess he had a sort of spiritual awakening… he hasn't said much." Ernst smiled sadly.

_A spiritual awakening? That didn't sound like Melchior Gabor…but perhaps if he had, truly loved her…_

Their eyes met, and Ernst very gently placed a hand on his cheek and kissed him. Hanschen didn't know why. He could feel himself melt against the headboard. When Ernst pulled away, he was crying again.

"Ernst, what is it now darling?" he spoke very softly.

"Ilse told me, she said that Melchi and Wendla looked at each other the way we do…I don't know if it's true, because I think maybe our love only goes one way… I'm sorry…my thoughts are jumbled…I just, I feel as though everyone I love is leaving…it only makes sense that you would too…It seems like what they had was so real…and us…how can we last if what they had was much better and stronger? How do we deserve to go on when they were cut short?"

"Who says it was stronger?" Hanschen was slipping past the point of no return. Those brown eyes pierced him…_he just had to say it…_

"It was mutual, everyone says so…"

"And our love isn't mutual?" _slipping…_

"No, I don't think so…" He shook his head and allowed the tears to cover his face.

"I think you're wrong." _Slipping…_

"No—Hanschen, don—"

"Yes. You're wrong." _slipping…_

"P-please…"

"Shh darling" Hanschen pulled him closer and began kissing him. "Darling, what would happen if I told you, I loved you… right now?

"I would c-cry…"

"Well, since you're already crying I don't see what I have to lose." Ernst made a sound like a squeak, but allowed Hanschen to brush a tear from his cheek and stare directly into his eyes.

Hanschen thought his heart might explode. He took a deep breath, and didn't drop his gaze.

"Ernst, I'm sorry for your loss. Wendla didn't deserve to go so soon. I'm sorry for Melchior too…he didn't deserve to lose her. Darling, form what you've told me about Wendla, I think she would be a happy knowing that she left this earth with a little more love in it. I think she would want you to feel what she felt. Ernst, I love you." Hanschen immediately felt a large amount of weight leave him. _That…wasn't so bad…_

There was a moment of silence between them. Tears continued to roll down Ernst's face, and Hanschen thought he might cry too, if Ernst didn't say something or do something soon. But then, he smiled and Hanschen smiled back as the boy took his hand and kissed him. It was different somehow, like Ernst wasn't holding back, like these three words were magic he needed to hear. Hanschen realized that he was still in a shock and wasn't kissing to his usual standards. He decided to fix that. He kissed Ernst with so much force that the boy ended up somehow beneath him. Neither of them seemed to mind. Hanschen kept kissing him, holding him by the waist and feeling Ernst's hands placed gently at the back of his neck. He soon realized that the voice he usually heard, that told him to get a grip, and to turn everything off seemed to have committed suicide in the face of all lost hope. Hanschen wasn't complaining. All he wanted to think about was Ernst.

After a few more moments intertwined with each other, they pulled apart. Ernst was smiling. _God it was good to see him smile_…Hanschen rolled over on his back pulling Ernst to him as the boy laid his head on his chest. Hanschen felt small fingers slide over his palm and intertwine themselves with his own. The boys lay there for a while. Greif and sadness still filled the air as well as the much needed 'I love yous' and they both seemed drained. Too tired to talk, but there really wasn't any need as far as either of them could tell.

It must have been nearly two o'clock when there was a knock at the door. The person entering didn't wait for a response, after knocking twice the handle turned. Hanschen cursed loudly and they attempted to scramble out of each others' arms before anyone saw them.

Melchior entered the room carrying a tray of food. _Thanks a lot Gabor…maybe wait for a response next time before barging in…_they had managed to leap out of each others' arms in time and it was possible the scene could have looked non platonic if it hadn't been for Hanschen's jacket that was still draped around Ernst's shoulders. _Shit._

"Ilse thought you both might want something to eat…here…" Melchior placed the tray on the bed and stood there for a moment, glancing between them. It wasn't a judgmental look but it made Hanschen uncomfortable none-the-less. After a moment of glancing at the tear marks on Ernst's face, Melchior gave a small smile and gave the boy a comforting clap on the back. He nodded to Hanschen (who unsure how to respond gave a jerk of his head in return,) and headed for the door.

"Melchior?" Ernst barely whispered.

"Yes Ernst?"

"You'll be alright, won't you?"

Melchior smiled. He looked at Ernst and Hanschen, then at the floor, and then to the ceiling. "Yeah…Ernst, I'll be fine." It was strange; there was something different, somehow.

Ernst seemed content with the answer, but before Melchior could slip out he spoke again. "Oh… Melchior?"

"Hmm?"

"Thank you…for the food." Melchior smiled and nodded and left closing the door behind him.

Ernst began splitting the bread and cheese as Hanschen placed his head in his hands and mumbled; "He knows!"

"Yes…I suppose he must. But Hanschen, it's Melchior. I hardly think he'd tell anyone, and he didn't seem shocked or upset by it."

"Darling, Ilse knows too! Every person who finds out grants us a bigger chance of spending an afternoon at the gallows…I don't trust him."

Ernst scooted closer and kissed his cheek. "He knows how precious love is. I don't think he ever take it away from us. And we've always been friends. As long as we're careful, we'll be rope free. And you don't have to trust Melchior, or Ilse, but try and trust me."

Hanschen smiled. It was always he who did the comforting and now that the roles were reversed, he felt strangely calmed by the hand on his shoulder.

The boys finished eating and decided it best to get going due to the fact that Ernst had been gone all day and Hanschen still needed to unpack. They stood up and wrapped their arms around each other leaning in for a last kiss before entering back into the world of secrecy. When they pulled apart it looked as if Ernst would cry again.

"Ernst- wha-"

"I'm fine, just happy, and devastated too I suppose…it's strange to think I'll be in the kitchen with her again, trying to teach Thea cook…" he gave a shaky laugh, "…or talk with her and Ilse on the hill…I'm really going to miss her…but I think she would be happy to know that I still have you."

"I think you're right. And, one day, you might see her again." Hanschen kissed his forehead.

"Yes, I know I will."

"Ready?"

"Ready." The boy nodded. Hanschen had an urge to hold his hand, and he did so before opening the door and walking out into the hallway. _If they knew anyway, no use in hiding it._

Goodbyes were brief. Ilse hugged Ernst tight and promised to visit him soon. She made no snide comments to Hanschen, in fact when she saw him holding her friend's hand she gave him a teasing but genuine smile. Melchior put his writing down and gave Ernst a short hug. Hanschen's eyes narrowed. Melchior then turned to him, and shook his hand before opening the door for them. The boys dropped hands as they walked out into the twilit village. It was almost as if Hanschen could still feel Ernst's hand in his and he smiled to himself.

The walk home was less than an hour and Hanschen listened as Ernst listed off the memories he had shared with Wendla. When at last they parted Hanschen grabbed the boys hand, gave it a firm squeeze which was returned almost immediately. Ernst walked up the hill to his house and Hanschen walked on. He thought truly for perhaps the first time of Wendla Bergman, he thought of Melchior and what had happened between them. He thought about free spirited Ilse and even Moritz who usually only crossed his mind as being pathetic. Strange as it was, no cynical thoughts seemed to creep into his mind. For once, it seemed, he was ok with being just another human. Because being "just another human" meant feeling things. And Hanschen was tired, as he imaged most of the world was of feeling numb. It was nice to feel even if it was pain. It was nice to feel awake and inspired—to have a new sort of confidence even he didn't know. The last thing that crept into his mind before he entered his house was; _thank you, Ernst, for the awakening._

**Thanks for reading! I'll try and update asap. Reviews are appreciated :]**

**By the way, I don't own Spring Awakening.**


	12. The Plan: Hanschen

Hanschen's eyes fluttered open. _Had he fallen asleep? He never fell asleep during the day…then again; he hadn't been this comfortable in a long while._ He glanced down at his chest where Ernst was resting under multiple blankets. He hated to wake him, but their argument and painful discussion earlier that morning made Hanschen want to draw up travel plans right away. He wanted them to be safe.

"Ernst…darling…"

Ernst unwillingly opened his eyes and yawned. Hanschen kissed his forehead. "Must have fallen…asleep…sorry."

"I'm not complaining." Ernst kissed him back and smiled up at him. "We should, however begin travel arrangements"

"Ok…"

"…I'll be back in a moment."

They untangled and Hanschen slipped out of bed and put his clothes on. Before leaving the bedroom he tossed a shirt in Ernst's direction. "Put a shirt on darling, or I'll be far too distracted." Ernst laughed and slipped the shirt over his head as Hanschen left the room, returning moments later with a pile of stationary and assorted papers. He had a plan. It wasn't fool proof, but it was the best he had.

Hanschen sat back down on the bed and looked at Ernst who was wearing an expression of worry and confusion.

"You have a plan, don't you?"

Hanschen smiled. "Of course I do." He could tell Ernst was still worried about him getting caught, however he continued talking so Ernst couldn't interrupt. "Now, first we need to find you a place to go, until I can get there. It has to be safe, and have little chance of being conquered by the party-"

"I could stay with Thea's…"

"No. I don't think so darling. I believe France has a chance of getting involved in this mess. If it was conquered, we don't stand a chance. No, we need a place with a history of peace."

"Hanchen where c—"

"Ilse." When Ernst didn't speak, he continued. "She and Melchior fled to Switzerland didn't they? I think it's our safest bet. You leave in a few weeks, and I'll come as soon as I'm able."

"Hanchen do even know where they are?"

"I have a letter they sent us when they first arrived, of course they could have moved, but it's the only plan I've got. I'll write them."

Hanschen walked over to his mahogany desk in the corner of the room and began to write. He knew he couldn't give anything away; he had to be as subtle as possible. If they no longer lived there, or if it got in the hands of the wrong person, they were screwed. Hanschen wasn't surprised to find that the words came smoothly to him as he wrote. He was, after all perhaps the king of deceiving. He felt hyper, manic even; to be writing to the people he missed; the supposed enemies of Germany. He felt giddy knowing and not doubting that both of them would escape. When he finished, he scribbled his gorgeous signature at the bottom and read it over.

Dearest Ilse,

It truly has been far too long, and I apologize for the delay in writing. I'm sure you can imagine I've been busy and I can assume the same of you. I do miss you and hope you are well. I must admit that I right asking you a favor, and I apologize for it must appear selfish of me. Anyway, out dear friend and painter Friedrich has come to pay me a visit and he would like to pay you a visit as well on his way home. It so happens that he is looking for a scenic place of the mountains where he can paint his landscapes. Would it be possible he could stay with you a while? He feels terrible asking which is why I write instead. Please respond quickly so other travel arrangements can be made if you are unable to assist him.

Best Wishes,

Hanschen Rilow

"Does Ilse know your middle name?" Hanschen asked handing Ernst the letter.

"Friedrich? Oh I suppose I mentioned it when we were younger but I don't know if she'll remember it now…"

"Oh…well, she'll have to pick up on the other hints then..." Ernst finished the letter and looked up with big eyes.

"it's good…great…"

"Then what's the trouble darling?"

"I'm just...scared." Hanschen nodded

"I know, but we have to take the chance." He stood up, grabbed the letter and placed into its envelope and placed in the mailbox returning moments later. He climbed back into bed and kissed Ernst gently, meaning to pull away after one kiss, he found he was unable to stop. When Hanschen's kisses traveled to Ernst's neck, he whispered, "I have undeniable faith in us."

Ernst scoffed a little and smiled pulling Hanschen to him.

Hanschen silently said a prayer for the first time in his life.


End file.
